Fail!fic

[Kaitlin 22]

Write the most intentionally bad fanfic you can create here.

Edited May 28, 2010 by »Snow«

[Marie 73]

"Rand! This is a bad idea, Rand! Rand...we cannot do this, Rand!" Siuan felt panic itching up her throat.

 

Rand's face was set in grim determination. "I know. But what must be, must be."

 

"This is silly!" Her voice was out of control; it seemed to go up eight octaves every other word. "Wha..what about Min?"

 

"She's dead."

 

"Elayne!"

 

"...."

 

"That Aiel girl!"

 

"Siuan, there is no fighting this. The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills."

 

"He is right, Siuan. Do not try and fight so hard. I promise you, you will enjoy this."

 

Siuan broke into sobs. "But Moiraine.... I am always on top. Why does Rand have to be on top this time? This isn't fair!"

 

Her "friend" made a sympathetic face but did not relent. "Nynaeve says this is the best position to get your with child. My Rand-baby needs a sibling!"

 

Siuan cried some more.

[Kaitlin 22]

*sobs* What have I done.

[jan 14]

@Kate:

[Kaitlin 22]

Moiraine looked at Rand over her shoulder, her legs and body quivering with red hot slick and warm lust.

 

"What was that, now?"

 

"I said, 'I want to make love to your hair.'" said Rand, a heaving, pulsating, throbbing sigh escaped his manly lips which now had a tiny, barely there, red mustache of manliness above them.

 

Moiraine's lips, wet and slick and made for kissing, pursed. "That is so romantic."

 

Rand did that, and made a baby in her hair. After nine months the baby was born, and they named her Elizabeth Sally Lan Nynaeve al'Thor-Damodred.

[Marie 73]

 

Nynaeve was not happy to have a Rand-baby named after her. So she plotted revenge!

 

"Gawyn, oh Gawyn!"

 

It took a bit of convincing, and a lot of cheap wine, but after agreeing to allow him to call her Egwene in bed, Nynaeve was able to make a Gawyn baby. She named her Moiraine Bela-lala Trakand.

[Kaitlin 22]

 

Time went by. The two girls grew up to be 15 years old. One day they met and fell in love. But they knew that they were star-crossed because their mothers hated each other. So they decided to fake dying so their parents would let them be.

 

It worked and everyone cried. Nynaeve and Moiraine hugged and the two girls ran away and got married to this Aiel guy together. His name was Steven.

[Marie 73]

If one is Mo's daughter, and one is Gawyn's and Mo is Gawyn's aunt...

 

[Sivart Reborn 6]

...Kate, what have you done to us all!?

[Kaitlin 22]

I dare you to write worse!

[Kaitlin 22]

I write this as sad lan.

 

One day Lan woke up and Moiraine was not dead. She had just gone to a far away store called Neiman Marcus and that was why he could not feel her bond anymore.

 

"Sad Lan," said Moiraine, who was both extremely happy for some reason and also wearing glasses that must be some kind of fashion thing because they looked totally impratical. "Don't be so sad. For I am back, and I brought you a pretzel from the pretzel stand at the mall."

 

"Oh Moiraine," said sad lan. "I am glad you are back."

 

"Wtf is this shit?!?" asked Nynaeve.

[Marie 73]

Moiraine struck a pose and told the former Wisdom, "Walk walk fashion baby, work it, move that bitch crazy!"

 

"Did you just call me a bitch?!"

 

"I don't wanna be friends!"

[jan 14]

"FINE!" said Nynaeve. "Be that way if you want! Huff."

 

And she went home, taking her toys with her.

[Whitty 29]

oo...m.....g.......idk if i should have read this thread or not! lmao....there were quite a few lol moments. where i litterally loled...i think my dog even looked at me funny...lmao.....someone write some more!!

[Olivia 26]

Okay, here goes... Inspired by Whitty's "you-know-what".

 

"FINE!" said Nynaeve. "Be that way if you want! Huff."

 

And she went home, taking her toys with her.

 

Nynaeve staggered under the weight of the huge iron toychest. The walkway was not paved as smooth as she would have liked, and she felt a tingle of nervousness at the thought of tripping and dropping all her precious toys into the mud.

 

The sun was sinking luxuriously into the horizon like a fat guy in a bubble bath when Nynaeve finally made it to her house. But something stopped her before entering. She almost dropped the box in shock at what she saw. What bloody milk-eared anal queef had dared to paint the Dragon's Fang on her door?! How could they think she was a hideous Darkfriend?

 

Wait a minute, wasn't the Dragon's Fang supposed to be painted in black? This one was white. And the paint looked... sticky. She decided not to investigate it further. She gave her braid a long, furious tug.

 

Unfortunately, freeing one hand for her ritual braid-tug - it was in fact her secret fetish, but no one seemed to notice the quick orgasms that slipped out of her in angry little snorts whenever she tugged - meant that the toychest she carried became unbalanced. Tilt, slip... SMASH.

 

"O HAI, NYNAEVE!" Egwene exclaimed happily as she bustled out of Nynaeve's house, where she had been waiting for her old fuck-buddy former mentor to return. "I came on urgent business with dire import for the Amyrlin Seat; the entire Tower may be at stake! What I need your help with is, do you think this dress makes my bottom look chubb-" She cut off when she saw Nynaeve scrambling around in the mud, frantically trying to toss all her toys back into the chest they had fallen out of.

 

Nynaeve was about to distract Egwene with something, anything, perhaps to tell her that no one would ever think her bottom was chubby because they were too distracted by her Trolloc-fat thighs. But it was too late...

 

"Are those... I mean... when you said you liked 'toys', I thought..." Egwene stammered, pale in the face. "Oh, Light!"

 

Nynaeve blushed furiously. Then she snatched one of her "toys" up and threw it at Egwene's stupid judgmental high-and-mighty Amrylin face. That would teach the self-righteous bitch! The dildo slapped right into Egwene's face and ricocheted off.

 

Nynaeve kept snatching and throwing, dildos, butt plugs, anal beads, nipple clamps, ball gags, probes, iron shackles, even yanking her queening stool from the mud and menacing Egwene with it.

 

The Amyrlin Seat covered her head under the onslaught and ran back inside the house, screaming.

 

Nynaeve huffed. That would teach them, teach them all! No one would dare make fun of her toys again. She went into the house after Egwene.