Moiraine and Lan go the Grocery Store

[Iris 0]

As a penance...*coughs*, I mean...as a remembrance of my now departed, dear first-sister Iris (and to prove I am not so guilty as she makes me out to be!) I am posting her distasteful, immodest piece of literature. However, I told her in the future that she needs to start a blog and post links or something of that sort as I refuse to have such content directly affiliated with my personage. *crosses silk clad arms over chest*

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Moiraine and Lan Go to the Grocery Store

 

Moiraine: Lan, you push the cart. I can barely see over the bloody thing. Plus, you are supposed to be the big, strong Warder here.

 

Lan: (takes cart) You've been snapping at me the whole way here, not to mention you're swearing. Is it that time of the month again?

 

Moiraine: Ekh, yes! And I'm breaking out too! (rubs red spot on chin and sighs) My flawless, porcelain skin!...By the way, that reminds me (takes paper and pen from purse) I need to put pads on the list. (walking slows, writing)

 

Lan: (taps foot impatiently) Moiraine, do you always have to write like you're sending a letter to the Queen of Andor? It's a grocery list!

 

Moiraine: Be quiet, Lan, or I'll make you get the pads. And yes, I do have to always write in my perfect, elegant, flowing script.

 

Lan: (rolls eyes)

 

Moiraine: Okay, now the first place we need to go is the refrigerated section. We need milk.

 

Moiraine and Lan in refrigerated section

 

Moiraine: (inspects expiration dates of milk)

 

Lan: (stares off while waiting)

 

Moiraine: Okay, this one looks good....Lan! Will you stop ogling that woman?

 

Lan: (turns to Moiraine) Am I not even allowed to ogle, Moiraine?

 

Moiraine: Not unless it's someone who's at least decent! She's about to pop out of her dress! You have no taste, al'Lan Mandragoran.

 

Lan: Well, maybe if you wore something a little more like that, I wouldn't need to ogle anyone at the store.

 

Moiraine: Ha! An outfit like that completely contradicts my Cairhienin modesty. I would be permanently blushing, which can't be good for my porcelain skin.

 

Lan: You could just wear it at home—for me.

 

Moiraine: (rolls eyes) Your mind is completely in the gutter, Lan.

 

Lan: (lowers voice) Come on, Moiraine! Where else is it supposed to be? You've left me high and dry for about 2 weeks now!

 

Moiraine: (makes disgusted sound) Anyways...come on. We have to go to the cookie and cracker aisle. I need Oreos.

[Iris 0]

Moiraine and Lan about to turn into Cookie and Cracker Aisle

 

Moiraine: (grabs Lan's arm, halting him, whispering) Oh, Light, don't look now! It's Elaida!

 

Lan: Where?

 

Moiraine: Shh! Right there. (points) By the crackers.

 

Lan: (leans to look into aisle, sees Elaida)

 

Moiraine: (leans too)

 

Elaida: (inspecting ingredients on back of Ritz cracker box, scowling)

 

Moiraine: Light, the way she looks you'd think she's reading the ingredients on a box of roadkill.

 

Lan: (chuckles)

 

Moiraine: We'll just wait here until she leaves. I don't feel like dealing with her.

Moiraine and Lan wait

 

Elaida: (moves onto Wheat Thins, reading and scowling)

 

Moiraine: (leans to look again) I wonder if her face is stuck like that. Light, we're going to be here all day while she tries to scowl a hole into a box of crackers! Unless...(Moiraine rubs her hands together, smiling mischievously)

 

Lan: What? Moiraine...why do you have that look on your face?

 

Moiraine: I have got such a good idea, Lan! But only if you're man enough to handle it.

 

Lan: Man enough? What are you talking about?

 

Moiraine: I have a dare for you, Lan.

 

Lan: A dare? Oh come on, Moiraine. How old are you now?

 

Moiraine: Well technically I'm 33 but in Aes Sedai years that's like 13.

 

Lan: (mumbling) That explains a lot.

 

Moiraine: Anyways, are you up to it or not?

 

Lan: (hesitates) Alright, what is it?

 

Moiraine: Okay, these are the terms of the dare, which will hopefully chase Elaida away in addition to giving me a twisted thrill. Are you ready?

 

Lan: Yes...

 

Moiraine: First, you have to talk to Elaida, and at some point in the conversation, you have to ask her to be your Warder.

 

Lan: What! Moiraine that's outrageous! She's a red, and she knows I'm bonded to you!

 

Moiraine: Well, the logistics are for you to figure out. And secondly, at some point in the conversation, you have to...hm...oh, I know! You have to flex your bicep for her, while she's looking you.

 

Lan: (aghast, tries to interrupt)

 

Moiraine: So don't cheat by doing it while she has her back turned!

 

Lan: Alright, so if I accept your dare, what do I get?

 

Moiraine: Get? Lan, it's a dare! You get the satisfaction of knowing you're not a wimp!

 

Lan: No, no. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to get something out of it...tonight. (Lan gives Moiraine a suggestive smile).

 

Moiraine: Oh, please! I'm on my monthly!

 

Lan: (still smiling) There are other ways we can have fun.

 

Moiraine: (opens mouth to object but says nothing)

 

Lan: That's good, I'm glad you agree. (points at list) Now, why don't you go ahead and add “whip cream” to the list.

 

Moiraine: (growling, writing)

 

Lan: (checks to see Elaida scowling at box of Townhouse crackers)

 

Moiraine: Wait. Let me get behind that free-standing thingie in the middle of the aisle so I can get a good view. Then you go after I get there. Take the cart so it looks natural. (tiptoes behind free-standing display of graham crackers).

 

Lan: (smooths hair, mumbling) I can't believe I'm doing this. (walks over to Elaida)

 

Elaida: (looks up, her scowl deepening at seeing Lan)

 

Lan: (thinks to himself) Light, that face could burn a man's hadori off! (stands next to Elaida) Elaida, how are you?

 

Elaida: (looks Lan over, scowling) Fine, accept that if you're here, that means that blue chit you're always dogging isn't too far away, and seeing her will surely ruin my day.

 

Lan: (swallows, pulls on shirt collar) Ah well, actually, she's isn't here with me.

 

Elaida: (arches witch-like eyebrow) Oh?

 

Lan: (gaining some confidence) Yea, well, we're actually thinking about severing up.

 

Elaida: (eyebrow doesn't move)

 

Lan: Our bond.

 

Elaida: Really? (looks back at cracker box, still scowling) I can't say I blame you. I don't know how any man could tolerate her, even with the little number of brain cells your gender seems to possess.

 

Lan: (masks disbelieving sound with cough)

 

Elaida: (continues to scowl at box, unperturbed)

 

Lan: Yea, well, she is intolerable. And she's only gotten worse with age. She was already manipulative, deceptive, secretive, (lifts hand, ticking off characteristics on fingers) arrogant, stubborn. Too short. Oh, and she can't cook to save her life so I have to do all of that. Annnnd (raises his voice for Moiraine to hear with extra clarity) she has poor taste in jokes.

 

Elaida: (gives ugly sound of agreement) I'll say. She and that dock-whore Siuan Sanche tried to put mice in my bed the night before they were raised to the shawl!

 

Lan: Well, she put ants in my underwear before she bonded me! I guess she has some sort of freaky thing for vermin. (cookie package thrown by Moiraine hits Lan's head and falls to the floor).

 

Elaida: (looks up at Lan, then around the aisle, scowl mingled with ugly look of surprise) Did you just hit yourself in the head with that package of cookies, Lan?

 

Lan: (trying to recover himself) Why, yes I did! Talking to you feels like a dream, so I had to hit myself...to make sure it was real.

 

Elaida: (makes strangled, disbelieving sound, witch-like eyebrows raised)

 

Lan: That brings me to my point, Elaida. Since Moiraine and I are probably severing up, why don't you and I get a bond going, hm?

 

Elaida: (evil-looking eyes pop out of head) Lan, you have even fewer brain cells than I imagined for a man of your stature and testosterone levels. (speaks slowly as if talking to stupid person) I'm a red. (pulls at her shirt, proffering red color) I don't do bonding.

 

Lan: We-hell, maybe you should reconsider that. I think we'd be good together.

 

Elaida: (stares at Lan, ugly disbelieving look intensifying)

 

Lan: Come on, what do you say. (lifts arm, flexes bicep) Maybe you need a little more testosterone in your life, Elaida. (gives flashy smile)

 

Moiraine: (bites purse strap behind graham crackers to keep from howling with laughter)

 

Elaida: (makes choking sound, scowl intensifies to the max, slams cracker box back on shelf) I think I have enough testosterone on my own, thank you very much! (shoves cart into motion and pushes it away angrily)

 

Lan: (walks over to Moiraine's hiding place)

 

Moiraine: (leaning against the shelf, roaring with laughter) Oh, Light, Lan! That's was hilarious!! (continues laughing)

 

Lan: (grabs Moiraine's arm) Come on, Moiraine Sedai, back to the cart. And you're going to add chocolate syrup and cherries to the list.

 

Moiarine: (walking beside Lan) Oh, Lan Gaidin, I'll add it. (gives Lan's butt a squeeze). After that, you deserve it.

[jan 14]

Oh, that was so mean!

[Iris 0]

Oh, that was so mean!

 

noooo, Iris didn't mean it to be mean! it was not meant to be a diss on anyone except Elaida. she just enjoys Elaida's character ever so much

[jan 14]

Oh, I meant the funny mean, not mean mean!

[Iris 0]

Oh, I meant the funny mean, not mean mean!

 

okay, phew *wipes brow* oh, wait, i don't perspire. silly me!

[MierinSedai 0]

Elaida: (gives ugly sound of agreement) I'll say. She and that dock-whore Siuan Sanche tried to put mice in my bed the night before they were raised to the shawl!

 

dock-whore?!!? PRICELESS!!! ROFLMAO!!!!!!!