Fanfiction

[Cerendrallion 32]

Well...I wrote this and posted it on fanfiction.net. Tell me what you lot think of it. Don't be overly mean, will you? It does have an inkling of Siuan/Moiraine, especially for you, Nimue.

 

Btw, Marie, it's been expanded since you read it.

 

Reflections

 

Authors Note: Both the strangest and most explicit fanfic I’ve ever wrote. If you’re not a fan of slash, then don’t read. Also, I’ve expanded upon it slightly. And I’m thinking of changing the title. Any suggestions?

 

Disclaimer: I don’t own the Wheel of Time. If I did, this would be in the books.

 

~

 

It was so obvious they where lovers. Soft caresses, kind words and kisses too intimate not to be between lovers.

 

I suppose I was jealous.

 

I’m not sure which one I really desired. They always where together, so the words: ‘Siuan and Moiraine’ always ran together. They seemed like one person.

 

Merean knew why I helped them cheat in the test for the shawl. I was never good at concealing my feelings. But I would have done anything, I think, to be near them.

 

But to me love always went hand-in-hand with cruelty. I cannot describe the sheer thrill I got from hurting my lovers, making them beg for mercy. I have only had one lover who ever returned this.

 

Eirana, I remember, had the softest hair and the coldest eyes. She was an Accepted with me.

 

My blood on her hands, the smell on my blood on her hands, drove me wild. I have very few memories from my time with her. She would always beat me senseless, so I remembered very little. We healed each other, using a weave that was partially observed from watching Sisters and partially improvised by ourselves.

 

Ah…but Moiraine and Siuan where my first real loves. Never did I lay my hands on them, yet they could pleasure me in ways Eirana never could.

 

I first realised I loved them during a time with Eirana, after we had passed for the Shawl. It was dark, the bedclothes where crumpled around us and I let out a strangled cry of: “Light! Siuan! Moiraine!”

 

Eirana stopped what she was doing immediately. “What?” She demanded hoarsely, her lips coated with crimson liquid. I supposed she had been biting me somewhere. Or maybe she had cut me with that little dagger she loved to use so much. Pain and pleasure had become the same when I was with Eirana. I could not distinguish between them.

 

I stared at her dumbly.

 

“Those two…Novices…” She hissed. She sat back on my stomach. “You desire them?” She fingered her dagger. I did not know whether she meant to kill me with it or force Moiraine and Siuan on me at knife point. Eirana was unpredictable and erratic. Sometimes, when another caught my eye, she would laugh and joke about asking them to join us. One actually did once. Other times, she would fly into a jealous rage. I remember a Novice whom I was infatuated with ‘fall’ down the stairs and break her neck. Eirana and I never did discuss it.

 

“No,” I replied.

 

“No…?” Her eyes widened in shock and she began to trace my nipples with the blade of her dagger. “You love them,” It was not a question.

 

I realised it was true, though Eirana was tracing a little too freely with that dagger for my liking. Yet I could not lie to her. She knew me too well. “I think so,” I admitted.

 

Her tracing stopped abruptly. “I did not think you capable of love, Elaida,” She said.

 

I said nothing. It was cold in the room and goosebumps formed on my skin. I exhaled softly.

 

Suddenly, she leaned down, until she was an inch from my face. She studied me intently for a moment and then kissed me. Eirana had kissed me many times before, but she had never kissed me like this before. It was soft and almost tender. Our kisses had usually been fierce and almost-painful. She laid her cheek against mine and sighed.

 

Almost tentatively, I reached up and stroked her hair. We had never shared this type of caring embrace before. Yet I had often imagined Siuan and Moiraine sharing similar ones. Somehow this level of closeness never seemed possible with Eirana.

 

She seemed to hear what I was thinking, as she suddenly pulled back. She smiled almost sadly and then tore the dagger down my cheek. I cried out. This was agony. Utter agony. She had never cut my face before and without the heat of lust to take away the pain, I felt tears on my cheeks and my hand reached up and gripped her wrist. “Don’t!” I managed to croak.

 

She smiled. “Something to remember me by, dear,” She said in her most sultry tone – the tone she had used when she had first spoke to me. The tone that had briefly enraptured me. She kissed me again, a chaste, quick kiss on the lips and then rolled off me. Her wrist was torn from my hand easily and I watched her get dressed without moving. Before she left, she paused at the door. “You might want to consider getting healed,” Then she left me.

 

I got up and hobbled to the adjoining room. I stared at myself in the mirror. Eirana had done much damage. That was the first time I sought Merean out for healing. I waited until I was sure the Tower was asleep and then sought her out.

 

She was surprised to see me. She gasped at my injuries. What seemed to me a routine wound for one night with Eirana, was, apparently, barbaric to anyone else. She murmured to me soft words of comfort and asked who done it. I refrained from telling her. I think something clicked in her memory then, as she narrowed her eyes and gave me a curt: “I see,”

 

It was soon after that I had my foretelling and attached myself to Morgase. Ah yes, there where some nights that I regretted ever doing that. Somehow I could not recall their faces with the absolute clarity I once could. Perhaps it was not seeing them everyday.

 

On occasion, I slept with Morgase. I did not find her particularly alluring, though she was certainly attractive, and I was lonely. The fact that I wanted her, though, surprised her. I think she thought that all Aes Sedai where devoid of such longings. It is a strange thing to sleep with a Queen. To find that under the strange haughtiness of command and the aloofness they must maintain, that they too are women and that they are equally as lonely as Aes Sedai.

 

It was a more caring liaison than mine and Eirana’s. Morgase did not like violence. She did not want to be hurt. She wanted love. This, I think, was when my association between the two came apart. She helped me just as much as I helped her during the days after Taringail’s death.

 

But she never loved me and I never loved her. She was never inclined towards her own gender before and it was isolation that drove her to me. I welcomed her gladly, even if it was only to have someone beside me when I slept.

 

She left me too when Thom Merrilin, a Gleeman, came along.

 

“It’s not that I’m not grateful,” She murmured to me, gripping my hands. “You have been a great comfort to me for a long time now. But it was never more than comfort. We agreed on that a long time ago,”

 

“Yes, of course, only comfort,” I replied with a smile, though inside me something was twisting wretchedly and my chest tightened.

 

She had outgrown my comfort. I had not outgrown hers.

 

Yet it was only comfort. I could deal with a loss of that. I went back to dreaming of Moiraine and Siuan. Morgase had briefly been an outlet for my desire for them.

 

It was near the end of the Aiel War that I returned to the Tower. It was a few days after I arrived, that I decided to visit them. I don’t know what made me do it. I think I was mad with lust. I had visions of stalking in and demanding that they pleasure me. But that is not what happened.

 

A girl was with them – Myrelle or some such – and they where practicing for the Test for the Shawl. I smiled and made a grandiose statement about how back in my day we knew how to practice. Indeed we did. Eirana would often have me screaming in agony and writhing on the floor before she took pity.

 

So I started to practice with them. I saw the loathing in their eyes. I tried to kid myself it was lust, but I knew better. I rained blow after blow on them with saidar and they held out longer than I would have expected. The smaller one, Moiraine, broke first and the other one, Siuan, did not even whimper.

 

Ah, but never have I enjoyed myself so.

 

When I came back the next morning, my suspicions where confirmed. I don’t think they could ever have denied it. Why would they?

 

I stopped dead as I pushed open the door. Moiraine’s head was resting on Siuan’s shoulder and Siuan was holding the smaller girl in a loose embrace. From the way Moiraine was nuzzled contently into Siuan’s breast, I saw I was right.

 

I shook both of them awake and clapped Moiraine’s head between my hands and wove weaves of Spirit to heal the girl’s wounds. She grimaced from the way the bedclothes fell away from her to reveal her petite, yet near-perfect form. I glanced at her briefly and then clapped Siuan’s head.

 

When I left them, I was even more wanton. I could not calm myself and could not sit still.

 

Eirana visited me that day. She was as lustrous as ever; pale skinned and black hair shining. “Hello,” I said warily.

 

She did not reply, merely studied me much in that same way she had when she had left me. “I heard you had returned from Andor,” She said finally.

 

“I have,”

 

“Obviously,” She said scathingly. She hopped up lightly on my desk, scattering the papers I had been reading. She showed more leg than was strictly proper and her dress was so low cut; a Domani would call it scandalous. “Have you had your two young harlots yet?”

 

I spluttered. “I have not! You shouldn’t be asking –”

 

“Oh, Elaida,” She laughed and reached forward to catch my chin. Unwillingly, I let myself get caught in her hands. Somehow, she still had that power over me. She smiled. “I know you too well, my dear…you where never one to be prudish. I remember you *suggested* some of our exploits,”

 

“I…” I really had no answer for that. I merely stared at her.

 

She frowned suddenly. “You really do love them, don’t you?” She paused “I thought it was merely an infatuation…you don’t feel anything for me anymore?” She said this with pleading I had never heard from her before. With her free hand, she began tracing the patterns on the front of my dress.

 

I gently removed her hand from my chin. She stared at me, slightly bewildered. I had never, I realised, taken the lead before. I leaned up and kissed her forehead wordlessly. She blinked at me. “I think you better leave,” I said quietly.

 

Her gaze hardened. “You can’t have them, you know,” She said angrily. “They don’t like you, let alone lust after you!” She turned on her heal and strode out of the room.

 

I thought that had taken care of Eirana. She would not bother me again. But she did. She went to Merean.

 

The Mistress of the Novices was waiting for me when I returned from helping the two of them cheat on the second night. I knew I would have trouble sleeping. I was smiling when I came to my apartments. I took down my hair and poured myself a cup of fine Cairhienin wine, humming all the while, turned and came face-to-face with the motherly Mistress.

 

The cup fell from my hand. I gazed at her in astonishment. “Would it not be better to light some lamps?” She asked coolly.

 

“Yes…Mistress…” I stammered. I could not have channelled at that moment to save my life. I went to my dresser and produced some flint and proceed to light an oil lamp and a brazier. It was cold in my apartments. She watched me without comment.

 

“Mistress…if I may ask…”

 

“Sit, child,” She instructed me. Merean was far up the ladder of authority. I did not like being told to sit in my own apartments, yet I did. I sat in a leather backed chair in front of the fire and Merean sat opposite me. I waited. “I have had a complaint,”

 

“Oh?” I replied.

 

“A person – I will not say who – has told me you have been courting two Accepted,”

 

I choked. “Eirana?” I knew she had been hurt yet this – this – was inexcusable. She had went to Merean?

 

Merean’s only reaction was a slight flickering of the eyelid. “Yes,” She said finally. “Eirana Sedai,”

 

“I have not…not…”

 

“You understand that this is unacceptable?” She fixed me with a stern gaze. “Completely improper. Pillow friendships are acceptable, of course, but you are an Aes Sedai, Elaida, they are Accepted. I can tolerate pillow friends between the Accepted and Novices, but not between an Aes Sedai and either an Accepted or a Novice. And not only one Accepted, two,”

 

I was speechless. “I know, Merean, light, I know,” She raised an eyebrow. “Mistress, I mean,”

 

“You understand you will have to stop seeing them?”

 

“I have not been courting them!”

 

Merean blinked. “Eirana was quite insistent,” She said sceptically. Then she said in much gentler tones, leaning forward to touch my knee. “Have you slept with them, my dear?”

 

“No!” It came out much too high. “Light, Mistress, I can’t lie! I have not, nor do I wish to –” I choked suddenly, as though my lungs suddenly stopped working, as the first oath took hold. I thumped my chest.

 

“You wish to, then?” Merean said, a little bemusedly.

 

I could not deny that. I hung my head and sighed.

 

“Why where you in their rooms tonight?”

 

“How do you know –” I demanded, head snapping up.

 

“I have my ways,” She did not sound best pleased at being questioned.

 

“You had me followed,” It was not a question.

 

Merean’s lips compressed. “Yes,” I opened my mouth in outrage, yet shut it when Merean raised her eyebrows a second time. “Why?”

 

“I…was…helping…them,” I managed through clenched teeth. Every word was an effort.

 

“Helping them?” Merean repeated.

 

“Yes…for the test…for the shawl…” I closed my eyes to block out the utterly horrified and dumbfounded expression on Merean’s face.

 

“Well,” Merean said. “Well,” I glanced at her. Her eyes glittered flintily. “Intolerable,”

 

“I know,”

 

“Why?”

 

“I wanted to see them pass,” I replied miserably. “And…”

 

“And?” Merean prompted.

 

“I…think…” I stopped and stared into the flames, gathering courage. “I think,” I said in a more steady tone. “I just wanted to be near them,”

 

Merean’s breath caught. “Light,” She murmured. She patted my knee in a maternal fashion. “Child, sweet child, you love them,”

 

“I think so,” I replied grimly.

 

“I did not think –” She stopped abruptly.

 

“Me capable of love?” I replied, remembering what Eirana had said. “Eirana said the same thing,”

 

“No, I thought it was a mere infatuation with your pets,” She scrutinised me. “You and Eirana where involved,” She guessed shrewdly.

 

“For years,” I replied tiredly.

 

“Is that why –?”

 

“She was jealous,” I said softly. “She was always jealous,”

 

Merean was gazing at me in abject sympathy. “I think,” She said. “I will go to the two of them tomorrow and Heal them. Better you not do that, Elaida,”

 

“Better I keep my distance,”

 

“Yes,” Merean got to her feet and with kind hand on my shoulder, whispered: “Don’t worry about it,”

 

“I’ll try not to,” She left.

 

I saw them the next day. Together, as always, coming up the hallway. I stopped dead when I seen them. I tamed my face to impassiveness and they curtsied respectfully. Siuan’s eyes where angry. She evidently had not forgiven me. Moiraine, on the other hand, was mildly curious. She studied me thoughtfully. I have often heard their teachers’ comment, that while both where intelligent, Siuan was more so than Moiraine. I had to disagree. Moiraine was looking at me with a vague understanding. She might not have had a full comprehension of why I did what I did, yet she knew the spirit in which my gift had been given. I had done more to prepare them for the Test than any of their teachers’ had. Whatever Merean had told them, Moiraine had taken it more to heart than Siuan. Siuan could deduce puzzles of word and number, but Moiraine could puzzle out the human nature.

 

It was not long after that that their chance for the Shawl came around. I entertained vague fantasies of myself with them, but I suppressed them, as I had tried to do since that night with Merean.

 

I was involved in Moiraine’s testing. I protested. I tried to get out of it. Yet I was still forced into it.

 

Merean had kind words for me, but I worried about it constantly.

 

Would this be the time my secret would be out? My Sisters where not blind. I didn’t think I could stand it if whispers followed me around the Tower.

 

Novices grinning cheekily at me when they thought and couldn’t see them and whispering to each other: “Is that Elaida Sedai?” and “Yes – the one who fell in love with the two Accepted and made a fool of herself at their Testing!”

 

Greens nudging each other and their Warders making snide jokes about my preferences in those I was intimate with. Whites talking about how illogical it was for me to fall in love. Browns trying to lend me books on the proper codes of conduct. Yellows smirking and murmuring there was no cure for what I had. Blues, stuck in their priggish ways, eyeing me disdainfully. Greys speculating behind my back.

 

And my own sisters – the Reds. I would bring the most shame the Reds have seen since the time of Bonwhin.

 

I don’t know how I did it. My face utterly impassive, I watched Moiraine stalk naked through the ter’angreal. To prove I felt nothing for her, I tried my best to make it difficult.

 

It brought back old memories and long-buried longings.

 

Merean practically smothered me in sympathy after that.

 

After that, I saw very little of them. I went back to Andor – alone again – Moiraine left the Tower on some foolish errand and Siuan was Cetalia’s assistant.

 

And now I’m the Amyrlin Seat.

 

I deposed one woman I loved and the other is dead. I wept when I heard about Moiraine’s demise. Siuan’s memory still lingers in the Hall. I can’t let myself forget her and sometimes I think I can feel her disapproval. I wonder why I did that. I had not thought of her for so long and she seemed to me just the Amyrlin Seat. Yet when I ripped the ring from her finger…when I stilled her and saw her as she once was…young, vulnerable…again, I loved her.

 

It was the moment that I came closest to fulfilling all of my fantasies. When I ripped the ring from her finger and stilled her, she lay unconscious. She looked so small and fragile. So unlike herself.

 

When the others had gone to capture the Keeper, Leane, I knelt beside her and cradled her in my arms.

 

“Moiraine?” She muttered dazedly. Her eyes where still closed.

 

I inhaled sharply and held the breath for a long moment. Then, I finally replied: “Yes, I am here, Siuan,”

 

“Oh, Moiraine,” She moaned softly. “They’ve stilled me…they actually *stilled* me!” Her face crumpled and tears slid down her cheeks.

 

“Hush, Siuan,” I whispered. “It will be alright, I promise you,”

 

“How can you promise that?” She demanded weakly. Her eyelids flickered open and, thankfully, they where unfocused and dazed-looking. She did not recognise me. She gripped my arm. “How?”

 

“It will be alright, Siuan,” I replied. “Don’t ask me how I can,”

 

For a moment, she was silent. Then she tilted her head upwards and offered me her mouth.

 

I was astounded. Utterly astounded. I trembled with excitement. She thought I was Moiraine, but it hardly mattered.

 

I leaned down and kissed her. Her lips parted and it was the one moment I will remember forever. Me, on the floor of the Amyrlin’s office, kissing Siuan Sanche. Her arms encircled me and the kiss deepened.

 

It was when she murmured “Oh, Moiraine…” that the illusion was broken. It was a highly inappropriate moment. At any moment, Alviarin and the others would return. It would be a very compromising position to be found in.

 

Gently, I untangled myself.

 

“Where are you going?” Siuan whimpered. She was dipping in and out of consciousness. “Please, Moiraine, stay with me, please…do you remember when I asked you to stay with me in Shienar? You wouldn’t…stay…you only spent…one night with me…I miss you…” Tears where falling again. “Light, I miss you…please stay…”

 

Tears where gathering in my own eyes. I kissed her forehead and stroked her hair. “I have to go now, Siuan,”

 

“No…” Siuan reached out blindly for me. “No, please…”

 

“I have to go,”

 

“Moiraine…I love…” The rest of that sentence died on her lips as she finally gave way to unconsciousness. Her head lolled to one side as I laid her on the ground and stepped back.

 

“I love you too, Siuan,”

 

Eirana…I still see Eirana around the Hall. She is dull-eyed now. Sometimes, when I am especially lonely, I invite her to my rooms. It has none of the same energies that it used to. Eirana is less cruel now. Somewhere – I don’t know when – she lost her passion for blood and knives. Very often now she is tender and gentle.

 

“Eirana?” I asked vaguely, late one night, when Eirana was lying beside me.

 

“Mm?” She murmured back, eyes half-closed.

 

“Why did you change?”

 

She hesitated. “I’m not sure,” She muttered back. She moved closer and pillowed her head on my shoulder. She wrapped her arms around me and I absently kissed her temple. After a moment, she said: “I think it was you,”

 

“What?”

 

“When I realised that you didn’t love me,” Eirana replied. “When I realised that you loved Moiraine Damodred and Siuan Sanche. When I realised you couldn’t love me as long as I…was like that,” She said.

 

“You loved me?” I found this shocking. I thought she was just jealous of her possession.

 

“Oh, yes,” She chuckled. “I loved you very much,”

 

I paused and I could hear the distant tick-tocking of the clock. “I do love you, Eirana,” I said sincerely.

 

“No, you don’t,”

 

“I do. Just not in the way you wanted me to,” I replied.

 

She smiled. “Do you still love Moiraine and Siuan?”

 

“I don’t know,” I replied, closing my eyes. “Does it really matter anymore? I could never have them. They never even liked me, let alone lusted after me,”

 

“I said that to you,” Eirana sounded both amused and saddened.

 

“Yes,” I sighed. “One of them is dead and the other stilled. *I* stilled her,”

 

Eirana sat up and I looked up at her. She smiled and kissed me on the forehead, very reminiscent of that same chaste kiss I had given her that day she had went to Merean. “Goodnight, mother,” She slipped off the bed; sheet wrapped around her nude body and went into the other room, where I heard her begin to dress again.

 

I listened to her leave and then rolled over and went to sleep.

 

~

 

The End

[eowyn 0]

Marie i think we may reconsider the thing we were talking about she seems to donnot need protection from nc 17 stuff!!!!

Laura you do suprise me and this is a nice birthday gift

I'll let you know what yours will be :wink: 8)

[Cerendrallion 32]

Merc

[Marie 73]

I like the extended version better. However, when are you going to write some Elaida/Moiraine action? Damodred's need lovin' too.

[Cerendrallion 32]

I'll see what I can do.

[Cerendrallion 32]

Attention people!

 

Guess what, guess what, guess what?

 

I am now a published author. Yep! A story I wrote was accepted for 'Children in Crossfire', which is a book that will be sold in book shops. It's for charity which means no pay, but oh well!

[icewinnowill 0]

Congrats...

[Marie 73]

[Cerendrallion 32]

Promised you, Marie. Moiraine/Elaida slash. And a bit of Moiraine/Siuan for good measure.

 

Pity and Loneliness

 

Authors Note: Slightly-but-not-quite related to ‘Reflections’.

 

Disclaimer: I don’t own the Wheel of Time.

 

~

 

I am still not completely sure when I began to suspect it was more than hatred. Hatred, I have heard the White Sisters say, is but a threads difference from love. I think it was that time when she came to ‘help’ us with the Accepted’s test.

 

During that time, I was completely convinced she hated us. I thought she was bitterly sadistic – someone who did not deserve the Shawl. It was when I tore my gaze from Siuan to glance at her face that I got the vaguest idea of the truth. Utter enjoyment – pleasure. Her face had softened and she was smiling…tenderly.

 

At that moment, it froze my blood. It was not until later, when Siuan’s arms where wrapped around me and her face was buried in my hair, that I thought briefly about Elaida Sedai. Maybe she was in favour of tough love. It was an amusing, fleeting thought. It *was* amusing…to think that Elaida Sedai felt anything other than hatred? Sometimes I thought that all the Aes Sedai in the Tower where blind. They thought Siuan and I where Elaida’s pets…we where the dogs that where kicked too much and left out in the rain.

 

I went to sleep and thought of her no more until the next morning, when she healed us. Again, I was disturbed. I could have sworn I seen her gaze flicker ever-so-briefly over my naked form and the barest smile curl her lips, before it was gone.

 

Siuan did not notice anything. She grumbled to me. “Bloody blood and bloody ashes!” She swore softly, as soon as Elaida let the door shut behind her. “Who does that bloody woman think she is?”

 

I did not answer. Partly because Siuan chose that moment to kiss me.

 

The Accepted Quarter’s are full of Pillow Friends. There are some who just share the same bed and whisper secrets to each other at night…first stage Pillow Friends, they’re called with fond amusement. And up the scale they go until they reach lovers. When I left Siuan’s that morning, I could see the ever-amorous Leane kissing a scandalized Tairen. The Tairen’s dark eyes where flickering as if she was horribly embarrassed, while Leane chuckled and continued to kiss her lover’s neck.

 

It was awhile later that I discovered Elaida’s secret. Siuan and I had finished copying names for the evening and thought we where all alone. Siuan was running her hands up and down my sides, muttering into my ear. Something about a bath, I believe. Her lips trailed across my jaw to my ear and her hands began to work at the buttons at my back.

 

“We can’t…” I muttered to her. “Anyone could walk in…”

 

A wicked chuckled was all I got in reply. Her hands continued to undo the buttons and, in truth, I offered very little resistance. In fact, I could have sworn my own hands where drawn to the buttons that ran down her back.

 

A soft cough interrupted us. We leapt apart, spinning to confront the person that disturbed us.

 

A very amused Mistress of the Novices stood watching us. I flushed, as did Siuan. “Mistress…” She choked, hands frantically working at her back in an attempt to restore her decency. Her dress had fallen away and left very little to the imagination. I was no better, needless to say.

 

“Siuan, Moiraine,” Merean smiled genially, in a highly amused fashion. Aes Sedai know, of course, about the pillow friendships that go on between Accepted and Novices of the White Tower. It goes on with some Aes Sedai too. I once heard an Eirana Sedai remark that all Aes Sedai have at one point found comfort and solace in the arms of another sister.

 

When we had returned ourselves to propriety, Merean informed us of why she had…interrupted us. “I want you to deliver messages for me,” She said. “All the clerks are in bed for the night – do you know how late it is, children? You’ve been here over twelve hours – and really I couldn’t ask a clerk to run these messages. Terribly snippy people,” She said this still wearing that oh-so-amused smile. “Siuan, deliver this to a Lyrana Sedai, would you? And Moiraine, deliver this to Elaida Sedai,” She handed me over a piece of parchment, sealed with her serpent ring. “Then you may return to your…activities. Siuan, didn’t you say something about a bath?”

 

Siuan, whose face was returning to the normal colour, blushed again as she accepted her own parchment.

 

Merean bundled us out of the room and closed the door after us, making sure Siuan and I went in the opposite directions.

 

The Red Ajah’s Quarters where quiet, only the gentle murmuring of sisters audible. The Red Ajah was the Ajah that the kissing from the Accepted Quarters went on. I had seen a dark haired Aes Sedai leading a fair haired Aes Sedai into her rooms by the hand. The fair haired one had seemed tentative, uncertain of herself. The dark haired one laughed softly and leaned into her companion, whispering something that made her friend blush, but laugh quietly at the same time. The dark haired one planted a kiss on the fair haired one’s cheek and smiled.

 

They did not notice me, even though I passed within an inch from them, brushing past them. I did not think they would have noticed had the Amyrlin Seat herself walked past.

 

I tentatively knocked Elaida Sedai’s door. There was no reply.

 

I stood, uncertain of what to do. Yet I could see light creeping from underneath the doorway. She was inside. Where else would she be? I knocked again.

 

Again there was no reply. After a moment’s hesitation, I opened the door and stepped inside. The room was scrupulously neat. Nothing less than I would have expected from Elaida. What surprised me was the decanter of wine that stood opened on a table and the half drunk glass beside it. I did not pin Elaida for a drinker.

 

“Elaida Sedai?” I called.

 

I didn’t get a reply. I let my gaze trail around the room, absently running my hand along the back of a chair. Red satin, of course.

 

“Elaida Sedai?” I tried again.

 

That time there was a reply. A soft cry. I stopped and listened. It was coming from the door that led off the main rooms. I strode forward and opened the door into what was another sitting room and the cry was louder now. I crossed the room and opened the door opposite the one I had come through.

 

Then stopped dead.

 

Elaida was leaning against the far wall, hair hanging in tendrils about her face, body faintly veiled in sweat, dressing gown hanging open. There were no lamps lit in the room and no curtains drawn. The moon bathed her body in light and I could clearly see her hands, working frantically at her crotch…

 

I choked. Her head snapped up to stare at me. Her eyes widened as I gazed back at her. A strange half-cry wrung its way from her mouth. How very alike, I thought to myself, the cries of love are to those of the dying.

 

Then I turned away, too embarrassed to say or do anything except let her breathe raggedly as she tugged on her dressing gown. I stepped back into the sitting room next to her bedchamber and she followed me. I was acutely aware that she wore nothing under that gown of shimmering material and was exceptionally aware of her proximity.

 

“Wine?” She asked me.

 

“What?”

 

“Wine,” She stood in the centre of the room. “Do you want wine?”

 

“I…”

 

“Take it. You look like you need it,” She went to a side board and produced another decanter and two cups. She poured the dark orange liquid and handed me a cup. She took the other and we both sipped. “It’s good,” I commented, unable to fathom anything relevant to say.

 

“It is, isn’t it?” She said, not looking at me, taking a seat the farthest away she could manage, at the window. “From Arafel,”

 

“I didn’t know the Arafellins made wine,” I responded, still burning with shock and embarrassment.

 

“They do,” We where silent for a moment, each nursing our own wine and humiliation. “Moiraine,” She began after a moment and it was the first time I noticed that almost purring-like quality to the timbre of her voice. I did not like noticing that. “What you seen –”

 

“Was none of my business,” I interrupted.

 

She smiled, her hair falling in front of her face and fingers tracing a pattern on the glass. Long, delicate fingers that a moment before had been doing something quite different…I looked away quickly. “Yes…but I would like to explain to you…I am quite…lonely…” She was struggling with words. “Quite lonely, yes. And I…since I lost my lover…have had to look for comfort elsewhere,” She laughed. “I am not the most attractive woman –”

 

“You’re nice looking,” I interjected, instantly regretting my words as she gave me a profoundly speculative look.

 

“Yes…well, I have had to find comfort within myself, you understand,” She looked away from me and I thought she was about to cry. As strange as it sounds, I did not want to see Elaida Sedai – the woman who I thought could withstand all the bleakness of Shayol Ghul – cry.

 

I stepped forward and awkwardly patted her shoulder. She glanced around at me, eyes burning, and I was shocked to see the desire there.

 

“All Aes Sedai have such longings,” Was all she whispered softly.

 

I wasn’t quite sure what to say to that. I was staring down at her. She was staring up at me. I thought of Siuan. Siuan Sanche, who loved me. Siuan who would do anything for me.

 

All thoughts of Siuan where banished when she leaned up and kissed me. At first it was quick and chaste and when I didn’t immediately pull away or declare my disgust, she kissed me more lingeringly but just as tentatively. She looked so pleading, so wretched, so desperate for me not to reject her…

 

And then I kissed her.

 

My pity made me do it. My guilt over Siuan seemed very small compared with the intoxication of both the wine and the knowledge of being wanted and needed.

 

Her mouth tasted like the wine and I got the impression she had drunk quite a bit before I had arrived. The message I was supposed to give her dropped from my hand as both of them became entangled in her hair. She was making soft noises into my mouth, gently caressing my cheek with one hand and running her other through my hair, which had become unbound.

 

When we broke apart, her eyes had darkened and she was looking at me with a new-found passion. Siuan had always wanted me and loved me. But she had never needed me like this before.

 

Slowly, she got to her feet and, with shaking hands; I began to undo the sash of her robe. It fell away from her and I was trembling. I had never been with anyone but Siuan. I knew how to please Siuan. I was in unknown territory with Elaida. A fear of failure almost overwhelmed me.

 

She seemed so much smaller naked that I would have thought. So much less fierce and much more vulnerable. I swallowed hard as she guided my hands to her breasts. She had begun undoing the buttons of my Accepted’s dress, pushing the fabric away so that it lay in a pool about my feet.

 

Elaida was a demanding lover and much more nimble than Siuan. She was more experienced, I realised as I lay below her. Making love is an acquired talent…much like channelling saidar. The more you do of it, the better you become. Her nails left dark bruises on my shoulders and I had a bite mark on the inside of my thigh.

 

It was very late when I lay half on top of her on the floor of the sitting room, before the fire that was glowing embers now. She was propped up on one elbow, inattentively tracing my cheek. I was silent. When she began to trace my lips, I absently kissed her fingers. She laughed softly and I felt her throat vibrating against my ear.

 

“You understand you can tell no one of what happened?” Elaida said quietly. It was a profoundly intimate moment. “Merean would have me digging turnips on a farm before I could even defend myself,”

 

“I understand,” I replied drowsily.

 

“Sleep,” She murmured. “You’re tired,”

 

“No…Siuan will be waiting for me,” I felt a pang of guilt. I had left Siuan over five hours ago and indulged with Elaida.

 

She paused. “Do you love Siuan?”

 

“Yes,” I answered sincerely.

 

She smiled rather sadly at me and then kissed my brow tenderly. “You’d had better go, then,”

 

I got up and picked my dress up from the floor, hurriedly smoothing out the wrinkles with saidar and slipped it on. I paused at the doorway, somehow feeling that I should say something to her. “There’s a message for you…somewhere…” I pointed absently around the room. I was not too sure where the letter had ended up.

 

“I’ll find it,” She slowly pulled herself up. I gazed at her perfectly nude body. “Is there something else?” I almost cringed at the hope in her voice.

 

“I…Siuan…I do not think this should happen again…”

 

She briefly hesitated, not quite looking at me. “I see,”

 

I nodded. “Good night, Elaida,”

 

“Good night, Moiraine,”

 

I left her and made my way through the silent corridors of the White Tower. What would I tell Siuan? Different – equally awful – scenarios ran through my head.

 

She was waiting for me like I predicted she would. She was lying on my bed, asleep, dark hair tousled.

 

I came and sat beside her, gently shaking her awake. She stirred and glanced at me. “Where have you –?”

 

“Shush,” I whispered softly, touching her lips with one finger. She stared at me in surprise, sitting up and stretching. She looked patiently at me for an explanation. “Do you know I love you?”

 

“Of course I do,” She replied, slightly uneasy. “I love you too,”

 

“Mm,” I touched her hair fondly. “I would never do anything intentionally to harm you,”

 

“I know…” Her eyes where wide and worried. “Why?”

 

“I comforted Elaida,”

 

“Why would you…” She trailed off and her eyes went flat. “No,”

 

“I am sorry, Siuan,”

 

“No…how could you...with her!” Siuan’s eyes where flinty and she was gripping the covers of my bed with white-knuckled fists. “You…I would never have…”

 

“I’m sorry,”

 

“Sorry? Just ‘sorry’?” Her mouth was twisting around the words distastefully, as if she still could not believe it. “This…this is unforgivable…”

 

“She was so miserable and lonely, Siuan,” I replied. “You would have understood had you seen her,”

 

“Miserable? Miserable?”

 

Siuan did something then that I would never have expected her to do. She hit me. She swung back her fist and hit me so hard my head snapped back and hit the wall. I cried out.

 

A moment later, I realised Siuan was touching my face with a handkerchief, dabbing at my nose and lip which she had been successful in making bleed. The torso of my dress was covered in a dark crimson liquid and I was whimpering in pain.

 

“You make me so angry, Moiraine Damodred,” She breathed. “Burn you; you make me so angry,”

 

I absently touched my lip and was rewarded with a sharp burst of pain.

 

“Don’t do that!” Siuan snapped, gripped my wrist.

 

“I’m sorry,” I murmured thickly.

 

“For what? Touching the lip or sleeping with Elaida?”

 

“Both,” I muttered. She was being strangely gentle. “Why are you being so kindly to me? I thought you’d be kicking me,”

 

Siuan didn’t answer a moment, just continuing dabbing at my lip. “Because,” She eventually answered. “As much as I am angry with you at the minute for doing that…with her…I love you. Burn you for making me love you,” she dabbed suddenly rather fiercely.

 

I convulsed.

 

“You have such a low pain threshold,” She said with wry amusement.

 

“You don’t know how hard you can hit,” I replied with a smile.

 

Uncertainly, she leaned over and kissed me. It was very much like the first kiss we had ever shared – an unsure, fumbling kiss. I attempted to kiss her back but moaned instead. “Don’t be a wool head,” She said fondly. She began to stroke my cheek, eyes still guarded but returning to normal.

 

I leaned against her, resting my head contently on her shoulder.

 

~

 

The End

[Marie 73]

 

~If this takes place at the same time as New Spring, Leane was already an Aes Sedai.

~Siuan hit Moiraine ! Me don't like Moiraine in pain.

~Just when I'm getting into it, it ends. I'm just never statisfied, am I?

 

Thankies, for writing it.

[icewinnowill 0]

I liked the hitting part...

[Marie 73]

I liked the hitting part...

No hurt Moiraine!

[icewinnowill 0]

I didn't...Siuan did...

 

*bursts into tears at the accusation*

[Cerendrallion 32]

~If this takes place at the same time as New Spring' date=' Leane was already an Aes Sedai.

Thankies, for writing it. [/quote']

 

1, You said you didn't mind inconsistancy!

 

2, You're welcome!

 

And thanks for reading it, both of you...hint, hint, Nimue wherever you may be...

[Marie 73]

I don't, but for my own peace of mind I had to mention it. I'm weird like that.