The Truth in Healing

[Iris 0]

This is the first part of a three-part series.

 

The Truth in Healing

 

Moiraine immediately sensed that something was wrong. She could feel sensations of tension from Lan. The man never really got nervous, but a sort of tense energy pulsated through her whenever he was in a dangerous situation, faced by an enemy. They were days from the Blight, but still close enough that Shadowspawn lingered. She began moving through the tall pines at a quickened pace, the swish of her light blue silk skirts the only noise aside from her footsteps. Her heartbeat quickened as well, as was natural in these situations. The quiet of the forest gave no indication to Lan's whereabouts, but she could sense she was drawing nearer to him. From what she could feel of him, he was still safe and unharmed.

 

Suddenly pain filled her from him. She herself didn't feel his pain, but knew it was there. Thankfully pain never really transferred wholly the way emotion did. Its intensity was extreme, indicating he was just attacked and wounded badly. Fear flooded her, but after three years together, they had encountered near-death situations before. She continued to wear a clam expression, determined to find him and heal him in time. He wasn't far away now, but nonetheless her trot quickened to a run.

 

Suddenly she saw him laying on his back amongst the forest floor, blood drenching his shirt. His hand was just below his ribs covering the wound. Always her heart jumped to her throat when she first found him wounded. She had seen him like this before, but that same reaction always came. She doubted it would ever change. Always in that moment it was a brief struggle to hold onto calmness and to keep panic at bay. The tall, broken shaft of an arrow jutted from between his fingers. It was not black like those used by Trollocs. Most likely it had come from a human Darkfriend.

 

She dropped down beside him on her knees.

[Iris 0]

With the stealth of a leopard he gripped both of her wrists, one in each of his hands, and held them above his head. She hung there suspended, her surprised face right above his, still straddling him. He looked at her, his blue eyes suddenly aware of her, holding her in an icy stare. “Where is Moiraine?” he demanded in a calm, yet deadly voice. Moiraine's heart thundered in her chest.

 

She struggled against his grip but he was too strong. She didn't want to use the power against him for fear it would kill him completely; he was already so close to death. Panic started filling her. “I am Moiraine, Lan.” she said, returning his gaze. She could barely twist her wrists against his grip. She had no idea who he thought she was. There was no recognition on his face.

 

“I've followed her for three years,” he said, the intensity in his gaze and voice vanishing, his face relaxing. “I've loved her for three years.” Moiraine felt her breath catch in her throat. He loved her for three years? What was he saying? She could not let emotion cloud her thinking. The fever must be causing him to say things he didn't mean. He still held her there, looking at her, the color draining from his face. Time was running out.

 

“Lan, please, it's me!” she said pleadingly as she still struggled against his grip, just inches above his face. “Lan, you're dying! I need to heal you! Please let me go!” She had never come this close to complete panic. The possibility that his grip would loosen with his death was frightening away all serenity.

 

“She is so beautiful,” he said, his eyes closing for a moment as if recalling her image in his mind. “I watch her at night when she sleeps. Her soft, pale skin against the dark curls of dark hair. The curves of her body.” He sighed, his eyes still closed, remembering. “I watch her.”

 

Moiraine could feel tears welling in her eyes. Her heart ached at what she was hearing. Feelings three-years-buried were being unearthed within her; feelings she had buried out of sight for fear of rejection. Her hands were so close to his head, but too far to heal. “Lan, please let me go,” she whispered, a tear trickling down her pale cheek.

 

“I could never tell her,” he spoke to her as if speaking to a confidante. That blue gaze softened as his eyebrows knit in anguish, but whether physical or emotional she didn't know. She had never seen him like this, or heard him like this; so vulnerable. “I couldn't risk losing her. How could I live following her, if I told her I loved her, but she didn't share that love? What if she severed our bond, because it was just too uncomfortable for her to be with me anymore?” He spoke to her as if really trying to sort out his thoughts, rather than as a man plagued with fever and just moments from death. “I couldn't live without her. I'd rather just watch her sleep, or stare at her when she doesn't know it, and be satisfied with that for a lifetime. Even when I've been with other women, I always think of her, wishing it was her.” He laid his back, closing his eyes.

 

“Lan, please!” Moiraine sobbed. Tears spilled down her cheeks relentlessly, but whether from this confession or the fact that he was about to die while her saving hands were just inches away she didn't know. “You have to let my hands go, Lan.” She tried to speak calmly and firmly, through her weeping, but she could hear her voice pleading. “I can save you.” She had to convince him. Desperation surged through her as she nearly shouted. “Lan, look at me! I am Moiraine Damodred, and you can be with me if you just let me go!” The words rushed from her, her oath not preventing her from saying it.

 

His eyes opened suddenly to see her face. “Moiraine? Is that you?” He spoke as if just hearing her voice for the first time,

 

“Yes, Lan, it's me,” she said more calmly now, relief starting to fill her. “You were wounded and I'm going to heal you, but you have to let my wrists go.” She said that as firmly and as clearly as she could. Lan lifted his head, his face brushing against her's, but that grip on her wrists never loosened. Her eyes darted from her wrists back to his face as she tried to pull them away. Panic was rushing back into her.

 

“Moiraine,” he breathed, closing his eyes again. “I've waited for this--for you--for so long.” Moiraine's eyes widened in shock, as she realized what he thought was happening. He was still hallucinating, but now it was passion that poured through their bond, overpowering all of the pain and anguish she had been feeling from him. For one moment, she hung there staring into his eyes as he opened them again to look at her. Despite the direness of the situation, it was as if all thought in her mind clouded over. His passion ebbed and flowed through her, consuming her. She felt him pressed against her, between her legs, completely hard. “You look so beautiful over me, Moiraine...” She felt a surge of passion from him so strong that it made her close her eyes and give a moan of pleasure. “...and you feel so beautiful inside.”

 

“Lan,” she gasped through the erotic sensation. “Please let me go.” With that he let her hands drop and pulled her mouth onto his, one hand in her dark hair and the other sliding across her waist to the small of her back. Her body rocked up and down as he thrust himself against her. Desperately clinging to shreds of rational thought, her hands gripped the sides of his head to heal him. He was kissing her full on the mouth, and she couldn't help but kiss him back, the passion of him flooding her as if he really was inside her. Saidar filled her and instantly she felt the fever subside. Despite the rigors of the healing, the kiss continued.

 

Abruptly she could feel that Lan was conscious of it now. She pulled her lips back from his, releasing the kiss. Lan opened his eyes in surprise, but Moiraine kept her eyes closed. She could feel relief and clarity coming from him, but with that mingled the sensation of confusion. Confusion she knew that must be coming from wondering why he was laying on the forest floor with her straddling him, her mouth a moment gone from his lips. She kept her eyes closed, embarrassment filling her. Not that she had caused this to happen or wanted it to. His hands still remained in her hair and on the small of her back, and she still felt arousal from him, pressed against her, but that would soon subside. To Moiraine it seemed like they laid there in silence for a long time.

 

After he took in his surroundings, she could feel his gaze on her, but she couldn't bring herself to look at him. She kept recalling the words of his confession and the feeling of his passion. She wondered how much he remembered, if anything. Usually people could not recall their hallucinations from fever. She felt frozen with awkwardness. She thought he must be too, because he didn't change the position of his warm hands. The wetness from his lips still lingered on her own.

 

It all felt like too much, her fear and panic at almost losing him forever, the strain of that desperate fight to free her hands, the words of his confession. He almost died giving her that confession, even he didn't intend it to be a confession at all. Her heart still ached, ached at knowing that what she could have with him almost slipped away forever. She let her head fall onto his chest, hiding her face between his neck and shoulder. Her hands still held either side of his head. Those felt frozen in place too. She could still feel confusion resonating from him. He couldn't remember anything since that arrow first pierced him.

 

Lan realized where his hands where, and what his state was between his legs. How did this happen? He remembered falling from that arrow, which was now cast aside on the forest floor, but then blackness swallowed everything. He knew from the position of her hands and her labored breathing that Moiraine had just healed him, and it had not been easy, apparently, but he couldn't recall or understand how he could have put her in this position. Worry filled him. What had he said to her-- what had he done to her-- during that blackness that swallowed memory and thought? He recalled the sensation of kissing her, and of her kissing him. Even though only their lips met, he distinctly recalled the sensation of being in the heat of passionate sex, right before she pulled her lips away.

 

He felt embarrassment coming from her, and nervousness. He had to do something, or say something. He couldn't let her lay there suffering like this. He felt afraid, afraid that he did something to their relationship that was beyond repair. After being so careful not to let her know, he must have revealed what he had tried so hard to keep muted within himself for three years. He remembered that Moiraine could feel his fear, perhaps even understanding why he felt it, but everything must already be clear to her now. It was too late to cover the truth.

[Iris 0]

“Moiraine, I...” Lan began in a hoarse whipser, clearly weak from the healing. “I'm sorry, for whatever happened...for whatever I did to you.” Moiraine laid there quietly, her chest rising and falling against his own. It seemed like a long time, he just laid there with her. Fear still filled him. “Moiraine, please say something,” he whispered. When she didn't respond, he sat up with her still straddling his hips. Now he was sitting, her sitting on top of his thighs, her warm body still pressed against him. Erotic emotions and sensations started filling him again, but he had to keep them at bay, knowing she would feel them too. But she didn't stir, she just laid against his chest, his hands still holding her in that embrace. Surely, she would have moved away from him by now if she felt violated.

 

He moved both hands up to the sides of her face, his fingers in her hair and his palms on her cheeks. He gently pulled her face in front of his. Her eyes were still closed, but tears trickled from them down her cheeks. Seeing her like this, he felt so much regret at having done this to her. She never cried. “Moiraine I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.” He had not even been able to look into her dark eyes since he awakened. She kept them closed. He had to see them, to know she could look at him without feeling pain and shame.

 

As if knowing what he wanted, her dark eyes opened to look at his light blue. He held her face there and just looked at her, feeling like he could look at her forever. He felt her body against his, her legs open and wrapped around him. He had to fight the sensations that were filling him. He wanted to kiss her so badly, but she was crying. Crying. He had to fix this, he couldn't risk losing her. “Moiraine, please tell me what happened. I need to know.”

 

Moiraine inhaled sharply, her eyes falling away from his again, looking down. “The arrow was poisoned and you developed a fever. You were hallucinating. You said...some things.” She wrapped her arms around herself as if she was cold and closed her eyes. “Lan, I can't say them,” she said pointedly. A moment passed and this time she whispered, “I just can't.” It wasn't that Moiraine didn't want to remember them, she couldn't stop thinking about them, but despite her strength of character she had always had difficulty speaking bluntly about the subject of sex. And she felt so emotionally tender and raw right now. She just couldn't bring herself to say them and to see his reaction.

 

“Did I think you were someone else, Moiraine?” Lan asked.

 

“No,” she said quietly. “You knew it was me.”

 

Lan looked away, angry with himself. So he had violated her. He had to try to save their relationship from complete ruination, even if it meant lying and muting those feelings again. “Moiraine,” he said firmly, almost commandingly, “Please forget whatever I said. I didn't mean it. I can't remember it, but if it was about you and put you in a situation like this, then it must have been something untrue, something from the fever. Please try to put it out of your mind, and you never have to think I would try to do something like this to you while I'm in a conscious state. It was just something crazy from the fever.”

 

He knew she felt his anger at himself but he was surprised at what he felt from her in response. His expression softened in surprise momentarily but she didn't see. She was still looking down and away, her face a perfect picture of calmness, but from her he felt something like a sudden pang of disappointment that was quickly muted, like she was trying to suppress it, to hide it from being accessible to him. She rose briskly and walked a few paces away from him, her back turned to him. “If you're able to walk Lan, let's go back to the camp. I feel very tired and I'm sure you do as well. We should both rest.” She spoke in that calm Aes Sedai voice he had heard her use so often, but it flowed with an undercurrent of ice.

 

Moiraine tried hard to keep what she felt from Lan. She couldn't let those feelings escape to him now. The warmth of being with him vanished, leaving a cold, empty void. She spoke with her back to him, knowing that her eyes would reveal too much of her, as they always did. She heard him rise, and she began walking, staying ahead of him rather than letting him fall in beside her.

[Olivia 26]

Welcome to Moiraine's World, Iris! Good job on the fanfic. Not my favorite pairing, but I do hope you plan to continue

[Iris 0]

so who is your favorite pairing, Olivia?

[Kaitlin 22]

Hello, Iris! Welcome to MW. And you came bearing fanfic. It's very good!

 

I'm off to read the next part!

[Vertex 23]

I read it!

 

Healing would be useless with it still inside, the poison still oozing from its point.

 

Still used twice. While in two different cluases, you should probably remove one.

 

Lan lifted his head, his face brushing against her's,

 

Hers?

 

“No,” she said quietly. “You knew it was me.”

 

Isn't that a lie?

 

Those were the only little mistakes me noticed when reading it through! Great work otherwise. Me's off to read the next bit now.