A Flaming Funny Fanfic

[Iris 0]

Alrighty guys, I'm rollin' the dice!

 

Moiraine Requests that Lan (and Uno) Save Her (and Siuan) from the (White?) Tower

 

A Flaming Funny Twist on the Plot of New Spring

 

 

Setting: Amongst the troops, in the snowy woods outside of Shienar, during the final days of the Aiel War

 

Lan: Uno, I have just received the strangest communication.

 

Uno: (grunts) A bloody communication? What sort of communication? Was it one of those flaming Tairens again with those bloody pointy beards?

 

Lan: No, no, it was nothing like that. It was...a dream.

 

Uno: A dream? What do you bloody mean a dream?

 

Lan: Well...I was visited in my sleep by a young maiden who requested service of me.

 

Uno: (chuckling) Hmm. Uh, no offense Lord Mandragoran, but perhaps you had better bloody keep this to your bloo-...uh, to yourself.

 

Lan: No, no, Uno, it was nothing like that. It was strange. It wasn't an ordinary dream. Something about it seemed so clear, so real. This maiden said that she was a real woman, visiting me through the means of some sort of magical object that would allow her to walk the dreaming world.

 

Uno: Sounds like a flaming nightmare to me, unless she was flaming nak--....Anyways, that's bloody fine Lord Mandragoran that you were visited by this flaming woman, but why are you bloody telling me about it? Wouldn't Bukama be a bit bloody better to tell this to?

 

Lan: Well, the young Maiden spoke of you as well.

 

Uno: Me? What did she bloody say about me?

 

Lan: Well, after she told me how she was able to access my dreams, she said I should expect a correspondence from her, requesting my service, and yours as well. But she would not delve into details about it. She said that I should anticipate a letter from her in short while...via pigeon.

 

Uno: Pigeon?! How is a flaming pigeon going to carry a flaming letter and flaming find us in the middle of bloody nowhere?? That's almost as bloody crazy as those...wizards I think they're bloody called...who use flaming owls.

 

Lan: I have no idea how it will happen, Uno, but keep your eyes on the sky over the next week or so. We'll see if it really was more than just a dream after all.

 

Uno: (grunting, speaking to himself) Bloody watch for a flaming pigeon, as if I don't already have only one flaming eye to watch out for flaming goat-kissers...

 

3 Days Later, still in the Sheinaren woods

 

Lan (brandishing a letter): Uno! I have received the young maiden's correspondence!

 

Uno: Did a flaming pigeon really bloody bring it?

 

Lan: Yes, and it had a small tube attached to its leg to carry the letter.

 

Uno: That's bloody crazy, Lord Mandragoran.

 

Lan: I haven't read the letter yet. I wanted to find you first so we could read it together.

 

Uno: (sarcastically) Well, at least it'll add some flaming fun to another bloody day out here in the flaming snow.

 

Lan: (unfurling the letter) Good. Let's begin.

[Iris 0]

Lan: “Due to the constraints which I and my companion currently find ourselves, most of our nights are sleepless ones. However, the night before I visited you in the dreaming world, I fell asleep and was visited by Birgitte (you know, the one with the bow and arrow)-

 

Uno: Bloody Birgitte! That's flaming!--

 

Lan: “And she informed me that the one who could save me was to be found in the Sheinaran woods, and that he was al'Lan Madragoran, Uncrowned King of the Malkieri. She also informed me that in order for my companion to be saved (whose name means “Swan” in the Old Tongue), you must bring with you a man whose name means “One” in the Old Tongue. She also said he would have only one eye, which would make his identity as unmistakable as your's.”

 

Uno: I always flaming knew that wasn't a flaming coincidence about my flaming name and my bloody eye!

 

Lan: “Now, I must tell you the specifics of our predicament, from which only you and this one-eyed man can save us. My companion and I are trapped inside a gleaming white tower with a door.”

 

(A thoughtful pause)

 

Uno: Well, why wouldn't it have a bloody door?

 

Lan: I don't know. Here, she continues. “Actually the tower has many doors, so you can take your pick of which one you would like to enter through, although I don't recommend the front door because that may draw too much attention.”

 

Uno: Well that's bloody obvious.

 

Lan: “My companion and I are currently enslaved in this tower, along with many other innocent women. We inhabitants of this tower are commonly known as witches. This title is not one I approve of, but I brought it up perchance you may have heard of a tower full of witches before. This would make it easier for you to locate us.”

 

Uno: A flaming tower full of flaming witches?!

 

Lan: Here, let us see what else she says. “Please do not be disturbed by this piece of information. We are not really witches, but in fact a tower full of ageless women, our faces never losing the beauty of youth. We also possess magical powers that ordinary humans do not possess. Additionally, we have the ability to heal the gravest illnesses and wounds with the touch of our ageless hands, a luxury for any soldier. I myself am a particularly beautiful witch, as you saw yourself in your dream last night.”

 

Uno: Lord Mandragoran, where do you think this bloody tower full of witches is?

 

Lan: I don't know, Uno, but--

 

Uno: Do you think this bloody tower full of flaming witches is in...Heaven?

 

Lan: Heaven, Uno?

 

Uno: Yes, Lord Mandragoran. I've heard that those flaming spear-kissing Aiel speak of white flaming towers in Heaven, made of bloody pearls, filled with flaming beautiful, ageless women. I heard that's why those flaming veil-kissers are never afraid to bloody die in battle—they say each bloody solider who bloody dies gets seventy-flaming-two of these ageless flaming women!

 

Lan: Well, Uno, I suppose it's possible--

 

Uno: This maiden in your bloody dream. Did she have large dark eyes and flaming pale white skin that almost flaming glowed with light?

 

Lan: Well actually, Uno, I would say that is an extremely accurate description of how she looked.

 

Uno (standing, unsheathing sword): Embrace death!!!

[Iris 0]

Lan: Whoa! Wait, now, Uno! Let us hear what else the maiden has to say.

[Iris 0]

Lan: “They claim that they desire only to provide this treatment to men who have the same magical powers as we witches, but their lack of desire for bondage indicates that they have a hidden desire to make all men gentle. They have developed anomalous relationships with one another, and facilitating this type of relationship among us lesser witches is the first step toward insuring that we join them in their destructive mission.”

 

Uno: What does she bloody mean by “anomalous relationships”?

 

Lan: I have no idea. Let us read on. “I will not go into the details of such relationships and what they entail, other than to tell you that such a relationship has been induced between myself and my companion. At first we did not understand why such a thing would occur between us, but we noticed that it happened whenever we both laid down on the same pillow.”

 

Uno: Lord Mandragoran, this is started to sound bloody kink--

 

Lan: Let us hear her description of events, Uno. “I know that sounds strange, but after this relationship occurred several times after laying on the same pillow we became extremely suspicious. Finally, a Red Witch (I will call her Red Witch “E”) came to our room unexpectedly, under the pretense of helping us prepare for the test that we must pass in order to become full-blown, Color-Coded witches. Her visitation in of itself was an odd occurrence, but then things got, as my companion would say, “fishier” still. Red Witch “E” beat us both into a pulp as we practiced in my companion's room. After this we were forced to share the same pillow that night due to our weakened state. Once again anomalous things which I cannot explain occurred. After Red Witch “E”'s obvious involvement in this incident, I sought out Birgitte, who was glad to help me in my quest to uncover the plot of the Red witches. I had her investigate Red Witch “E” in the dreaming world, and lo and behold she discovered that the pillows that were placed in the Accepted and Novice witches quarters were made of a special substance (called “ter'angreal”). I will not go into the details of explaining this complex substance (Did I also mention I am extremely intelligent in addition to extremely beautiful?). Suffice it to say that these pillows are being used as a tool to ensnare us in these anomalous relationships-- a sort of “booby-trap,” if you will.”

 

Uno: (grunts) That's a bloody lot of crazy stuff. So what are we supposed to do bloody do about it?

 

Lan: Well, I'm glad you asked Uno as I think the young witc—I mean maiden, is going to explain. “In order to rescue us, and purge the white tower of the evil plot of the Red witches, you must destroy all the pillows in the tower. Most likely the full-blown, Color-Coded witches are not under the influence of these special pillows, just the Accepted and Novice witches. But to be on the safe side we should destroy all the pillows. One can never tell what happens behind closed doors. Once you have rescued us and we have successfully quarantined the Red witches, my companion and I will aid you and the one-eyed man in their destruction.”

 

Uno: Well that sounds bloody all right to me. I've destroyed more bloody goat-kissers than I can count, so a few bloody pillows shouldn't be too bloody hard to handle.

 

Lan: Yes, it does sound like a rather simple mission. Now, here she is closing the letter. “My companion and I look forward to your's and the one-eyed man's arrival.”

 

Uno: I wish she would stop bloody calling me that...

 

Lan: “You will do well. Moiraine (Lan squints) Damodred”

 

Uno: Damodred!! A bloody, flaming Damodred!? That flaming fool from the south who started this whole flaming war with these flaming flaming-haired Aiel was a bloody Damodred! She closed that letter pretty flaming confidently for being one of that bloody lot! I wonder if that bloody fool she's related to was that flaming confident when he turned that bloody tree into a flaming chair to sit his flaming hide on before his bloody head got chopped off! And what if she bloody tries to get us involved in that game they're always bloody playing where she's from? You know, that one that has something to do with bloody houses?

 

Lan: Well, after this war with the Aiel I can hardly see how the house-game could present a problem. The housing market in Cairhien must have surely plummeted by now. Ah, how lucky, Uno. It seems the maiden Moiraine Domadred has left a post-script here pertaining to just this subject. She says, “P.S. On a more personal note, I am trying to escape being placed as the Queen of the Sun Throne in Cairhien, where my Uncle Laman Damodred, the late King, was just beheaded by the Aiel. Your swiftness would be greatly appreciated so that I may circumvent this personal conundrum in addition to the above mentioned one. You will do well.”

 

Uno: (grunts) She really bloody likes saying that, doesn't she...

 

Lan: So, Uno, what do you think? Shall we undertake this mission to recover these damsel-witches from this tower?

 

Uno: Hmm. These witches sounds like a lot of bloody trouble to me.

 

Lan: True.

 

(A pause. Lan and Uno exchange glances.)

 

Lan: A lifetime of bondage....

 

Uno: ...with ageless, magical women.

 

Lan: We saddle and ride!

 

Uno: And bloody, flaming fast, too!

[Iris 0]

The End

[Kaitlin 22]

No, the pillows must be saved.

[Iris 0]

as long as no one hates me for spoofing it

[AshSnow 0]

Omg I've only started it but Uno is killing me! xD

 

"Uno (standing, unsheathing sword): Embrace death!!!".

LMFAO.

 

That was killer Iris! Loved it

[jan 14]

Uno was so funny!

 

*puts arms protectively around all my pillows*... but the pillows must be saved!

[Iris 0]

hm, this thread has already gotten way more views than the romance/drama series. *taps finger to lips* perhaps comedy is my forte.

[AshSnow 0]

Part 2!?!?

[Iris 0]

*flattered*

 

well i have been working on a more recent series, but this would be a fun one to do a part 2 for, wouldn't it? after we see what happens with Elaida and the Novices then perhaps I will dabble with this one.

[Cerendrallion 32]

You absolutely *must* finish Elaida & the Novices!

[Iris 0]

You absolutely *must* finish Elaida & the Novices!

 

for you i will laura i went on your site yesterday. that one about elaida and her dark side was wickedly good, especially with that ending with Siuan being stilled!

[Cerendrallion 32]

Oh thank you! I can't actually remember what that one was called...its been quite awhile since I've written any fanfiction, but still heartily enjoy reading it