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Tosh

Dragonsworn
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Posts posted by Tosh

  2. Random IX

    in Chatterbox

    Posted

    Why We Love Children

     

    1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

    'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.

    'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.

    'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

    'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

     

    2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes

    later.....'Da-ad....'

    'What?'

    'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

    'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

    Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

    'WHAT?'

    'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

    I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'

    Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

    'WHAT!'

    'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

     

    3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

    finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

    The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,

    Dylan, come in or stay out!''

     

    4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'

    The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

    'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'

    A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

    'The big sissy.'

     

    5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.

    All the children were invited to come forward.

    One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is

    it your Easter Dress?'

    The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone,

    'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

     

    6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

    She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'

    I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'

    'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

     

    7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

    'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

    Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'

    His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?' The

    little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'

    'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked

    'Yes,' he answered.

    Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'

    The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'

    The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'

    After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,

    'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

     

    8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

    The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that

    farmer said?'

    One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy Mr. Brown! A talking chicken!''

    The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

     

    9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.

    Sugarbrown's daughter.'

    Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'

    The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'

    She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

     

    10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the

    boys?'

    Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'

    The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

    If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

     

    11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

    She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'

    She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

    L

     

     

    ittle Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

     

    One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

    When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

     

    "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

    The nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

     

    A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

    But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the bum with his pencil.

     

    "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

     

    The nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

     

    Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

     

    This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

     

    The nun fainted...........

     

     

    I checked it and there is no swearing in it like last time.

  4. What are you reading?

    in Chatterbox

    Posted

    Reading the fourth book in the Malazan Book Of The Fallen series by Steven Erikson. Amazing books especially the second one, Coltaines march is extremely gripping.

     

    I have to say that in many ways this series is better than WoT, it is perhaps the best fantasy series I have read actually.

     

    There is no fluff in these books, there is humour, but no fluff. They are harsh and brutal and take place in a world where gods play viscious games with mortals. There are no naive farmboys who save the world in this series, Rand would have had his head on a pike thirty minutes after leaving the two rivers.

    After losing his virginity to a mob of cannibalistic religious fanatics.

     

    And did I mention the Tiste Andii, who have colorshifting eyes and live in a flying mountain called Moons Spawn? And their leader Anomander Rake with his sword Dragnipur who eats souls? Or the T'lan Imass, a vast undead army hellbent on the eradication of the Jaghut? And did I mention the giant berserker Karsa Orlong who rips people apart with a wooden sword?

    And then theres Kruppe who is a stupid fat little man...Or is he?

     

    Just read the books will you? Now!

    OOH! And did I mention theres dragons? And things called hounds of darkness? And ridiculusly powerfull demons? And a really nice guy with anmesia called Icarium who when angered goes into a frenzy and kills everyone he sees and is virtually invincible?

     

    Have you gone and bought the books yet? Have you!?

  20. Random IX

    in Chatterbox

    Posted

    Well jobs aren't very fun in themselves but hopefully you earn money by having them and money if spent wisely can be a lot of fun. And with wisely I mean not spent on dull crap that you actually need. :sugar:

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